21w

How far along?  21w4d

Prenatal Activities: Prenatal yoga. I’ve also started to try and get in a 30 min walk during the day. It helps my hips to not ache from sitting all day. 

Also, a new controller at work came and asked for advice on a health and wellness initiative he’d been tasked with organizing for his team. I suggested a step challenge, talked through logistics, scope, etc. next thing I know, he gone an purchased 20 fitbits. And added me to the challenge. If I wasn’t such a stubborn mule, it would be no biggie but now I’m needing to get my 10k steps at least 4x/week for me to be satisfied lol. I guess I did ok last week, I came in 4th. But this is seriously time consuming!
Gender?  not finding out.  Butttttt….my guess is girl

Stretch marks?  No new ones yet. 

Sleep? Not bad. I wake up at least once a night to pee. Usually around the same time Kiera wakes up to come in our bed. 

Best moment this week – lots of flutters this past week and we had our ultrasound! I cry every time I see the baby. 

Miss anything?  Running. Poultry. Nothing that’s really getting me down though

Movement? Yes! Singleton baby I feel more movement and I think that’s bc there’s simply more room. And maybe my placenta this time too, isn’t anterior. 

Food cravings? No not really. 

Anything making you queasy or sick?   Poultry. And potentially sushi/seaweed now

Symptoms?  Nausea a bit still. Braxton hicks started too. 

Also, I think I might have GD. I wasn’t going to do the test but this morning I tested my fasting sugars on a coworkers tester who is diabetic…and my sugars were 12.6!!! So I promptly went and researched the diet changes I need to make. Which in all honesty I knew I’ve been eating too much carbs and sugar. Ughhhhh… so I’m sure in a few weeks when I have my actual glucose test we’ll get a definitive answer. 

Labor Signs? NO!

Belly Button in or out?  In but starting to migrate out. 

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time? Pretty happy!  

Looking forward to? Midwife apt next week, lots of fun activities with the kids on the weekends too. And I think I’ve convinced the Viking to get this momma a pool!! Just an above ground but who cares, its hot and I need to float!

19w

How far along?  19w3dPrenatal Activities: Prenatal yoga. I’ve also started to try and get in a 30 min walk during the day. It helps my hips to not ache from sitting all day. 

Gender?  not finding out.  

Stretch marks?  No new ones yet. 

Sleep? Not bad. I wake up at least once a night to pee. Usually around the same time Kiera wakes up to come in our bed. 

Best moment this week – lots of flutters this past week 😊

Miss anything?  Time. Is that a thing? I just wish I had more time in the evenings to go for a walk. 

Movement? Yes! Still not routine but way more movement. 

Food cravings? Protein and vegetables. Which might be due to the fact that our house is a disaster zone and we haven’t been able to cook in 2ish weeks?!

Anything making you queasy or sick?   Poopy diapers and vomit (the kids have ear infections and were given antibiotics. Turns out, they’re bodies don’t agree and have been dealing with a LOT of poop and vomit)..

Symptoms?  Nausea a bit still, flutters

Labor Signs? NO!

Belly Button in or out?  Definitely in

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time? In between maybe? Mostly happy but I have my moments. It’s hard managing work and family right now. 

Looking forward to? Massage on Wednesday! My ultrasound got cancelled today and they rescheduled for next Wednesday which is a bummer. I’m hoping I get in on a cancellation that works with my schedule. 

17w

I’ve decided to go start doing these again. I really like going back and seeing where I was at mentally and physically throughout the pregnancy. I think it’ll also help me maybe normalize some anxiety I’m having and maybe connect with baby more. So here goes 🙂

How far along?  17w4d

Prenatal Activities: Does running after 2 two year old’s count? How about working full time? I am doing prenatal yoga again but it’s just once a week. Hopefully the weather will start to get nicer and I can muster up some energy in the evenings for a walk.

Gender?  no idea..and we’re going to leave it a surprise! I’m not sure if this is a terrible idea now though. It’s already starting to get at me that I don’t know! Would I be a terrible wife if I went and got a 3D u/s by myself and find out??!! I wouldn’t do that….but I’d like to!

Stretch marks?  No new ones anyways. I didn’t get them until about 33/34 weeks if I remember correctly last time.

Sleep? Pretty good actually. Minus Ms Kiera that comes in our bed every night somewhere between 1-5am. It’s weird though…I can still sleep on my stomach!

Best moment this week – when Gunnar asks to hear the baby’s heart beat on our home doppler. It’s so cute! He likes to help mom put the lotion on aka aloe vera.

Miss anything?  still squeezy from time to time and need to take Diclectin here and there. I’ve even had to resort to gravol a few times as well. Maybe having more energy at night would be nice too. Non-pregnancy related – I’m living in a construction war zone so a completed kitchen, dining room, etc would be awesome too.

Movement? I’ve been feeling lots of flutters since about 12/13w but nothing consistent. I think I have an anterior placenta again because as baby grows and moves up I feel less.

Food cravings? Sugar. It’s not as bad as it was in the first trimester but this baby definitely has me seeking the sugar.

Anything making you queasy or sick?   Poopy diapers, strong bathroom smells, clearing my throat in the am, blowing my nose in the morning.

Symptoms?  Just nausea which has lessened quite a bit.

Labor Signs? NO!

Belly Button in or out?  Definitely in

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time? I’m hormonal. I know this. It is what it is.

Looking forward to? We have our next ultrasound on May 15th! I’m anxious to see baby and make sure everything is ok. I’m so nervous that something bad is going to happen. And I don’t want to have these fears but they’re just there sometimes. I want to get excited about baby! I think I was somewhat similar in mindset with the twins; “I’ll feel better once we get to 18 weeks” and then it was viability at 24 weeks and then I relaxed a lot at 28 weeks

Adding a little more drama to this scene

*this post may be hard to follow so apologies* 

Last week, Tuesday night to be specific, I got a call from my sister M saying my dad was stabbed and being taken to the hospital. This apparently happened in the hotel underground parking lot where him and his gf are staying while he’s in a city, doing his contract work (he’s in aviation). 
My first reaction, albeit not the norm, was to think that it wasn’t so serious. I called my mom and other sister T,  who are located on the other side of the country to tell them. My mothers starts crying and I can’t identify with her response. He’s like a cat and always lands on his feet. He’s been in some terrible situations and he’s come out fine. I’m not worried. 

I find out a few hours later that his lung collapsed and there was some fluid around his heart. He was taken into surgery immediately but his cavity was left open as he needed a second surgery but needed the swelling to go down. He was intubated as his lung wasn’t stable. He got the second surgery 24 hours later and they closed his cavity. He also had damage to his spleen and diaphragm. He was intubated until Friday. Thursday I made the decision to make the 10-12 hours trek WITH THE KIDS, sans husband (I’m getting a new kitchen. He’s doing to demo along with electrical. I’ll post pictures below). Kids were terrified of seeing him but amazing travel troopers. I somehow won that lottery. They loved seeing my brother and sister and for that I’m so happy they got to spend time together. 

Some things that complicate the situation: 

• My parents are in the middle of a long and drawn out divorce. 
• The divorce is messy and my father has been deceitful in a number of different ways. 
• My father denies it but we all know that he was unfaithful to my mother for a few years. With the same woman he’s with now. 
• This isn’t the first woman
• He’s a functioning alcoholic
• He has depression and PTSD
• He’s always the victim
• His gf enables his drinking
• Neither of them see anything wrong with their current lifestyle however none of us kids have tabled the discussion with them

My work has been amazing and even offered to pay for our flights or have a spare driver come with me. I didn’t feel like it’s necessary and honestly, I just didn’t want to talk about it. I have a strained relationship with him and can’t help shake the feeling that he somehow instigated the situation. And now, We’re slowly finding out pieces of information from the event. Like, my dad felt that some shady activity was going on so he went and approached them. We found out that at one point my dad had one of the guys in a head lock. We also found out that there was a few guys there and it was one of them that called the cops, not his gf. His gf, doesn’t make any sort of mention of the event. My brother says that each time a social worker or police officer questions her, he hears something a little different. And maybe that’s real/true. It was a traumatic event and might not be thinking clearly. But when my dad said Saturday that the police were coming Monday and he wasn’t looking forward to it, she jumped up and spoke over top of him and then changed the subject. I just hope we get to read the police report. 

It’s weird. It’s all just so weird. But at the same time, I’m not surprised or shocked. This is the crazy ride we’ve been on with him for our entire lives. He’s unstable, emotionally manipulative (although it doesn’t work on me or my brother anymore), supposed to be on medication but likely isn’t and consumes alcohol daily. My boss commented that I have an unemotional response to this traumatic event that took place. And it’s true. But there’s only so much instability that you can let rattle you. 

What did rattle me was being back in an ICU. That last time was with my babies and honestly there’s not much difference between an ICU and NICU. There’s still dings and bings. There’s still alarms for poor oxygen. There’s a whole lot of intubation going on. This part has me emotionally softened especially since I’m pregnant. I’m trying to not fear the worst with this baby. 
Current kitchen/dining/living room space 

One of those weeks

It’s one of those weeks. Those weeks that have an insane amount going on. I’ll start at the top. 

New kitchen. Like the entire thing is about to be gutted, plumbing, electrical, ceiling, drywall, etc. this now also means the Viking is working on the basement so it’s more family friendly for us to exist over the next 6-8 weeks. That entails moving the contents from one end of the basement to the other. And then laying flooring down. And putting in the bar and sink so I have somewhere to wash dishes. All of this means the purchase of a bar sink, fridge to match our existing stove and dishwasher, microwave hoodrange, apparently there’s also a good deal on a one piece sink vanity that’s big enough for our upstairs bathroom, lighting fixtures, hardware to be picked and back splash to be finalized. I’m sure there’s a few more decisions and money to be spent. I hate spending money on home renos. 

2 two year olds. And today is has become very apparent that our children are two and embody all the things that you hear about two year olds. I’m over it. Let’s hope tomorrow is better. 

Work work work. And I’m am tired! I didn’t realize how tired I was until I had 4 days off over the long weekend. I was a zombie for 3 of those 4 days. I’m almost 16w and can feel me slowing down. I don’t think I’ll have the hard time I had last time giving up work. Full time mom + full time career + covering for a Hub that works extra full time makes for one tired lady. My plate is so full at work. It’s not even reasonable that I can get it all done in f17. But the expectation is that I get darn near close by Sept. I cackle on the inside every time I hear “these things are all a #1 priority”. HA! See here’s the thing about numbers, like the number 1; there can only be ONE!!! I digress. 

Yoga. I starting going to prenatal yoga and I love it. But the Viking got my times confused and I missed yesterday which I hated. I reallllly love my yoga time. So we did Costco instead. Which was exhausting. 

Wedding. I have to find a seamstress his week to get Kiera’s flower girl dress take up. It’s so adorable and Gunnar is the ring barrer, and they have their own song to walk down the isle to! So stinking cute. And Kiera’s going to love every minute of being in a girlie dress too. Gunnar….he’ll require bribery in the form of suckers I think. 

Cleaning. My cleaning gal didn’t make it last week and doesn’t plan on coming this week and is opting out of coming for the next two months. And I understand, it’s not the same amount of time but I could really use the help in the rest of the house! I guess in the upside it’ll be a little cost savings but … I’m tired! First world problems, I know. 

The bump. It’s here and showing and in happy for that. I like having a bump! What’s the point of being pregnant if you don’t have a bump?! I’ve worked hard for this 💜💙

11w5d

That is bananas. I’m almost there! I was talking to a fellow IVF momma and friend and recounted all the timelines you go through with IVF; knowing your exact date of conception and thus the first trimester feels like a 1000 years long, getting to 12w and then 14w because that’s what some folks go by too, then 18w for the scan, 24w is viability, and I always had 30w in my head as a milestone with the twins….so ya…memories 😉

This pregnancy is completely different though. Not even a fraction of the vomiting but the NAUSEA! Seriously! I will take vomiting over nausea any day. And my diet. With the twins, I could stand sugar, it would make me sick. Now, I’d prefer to skip dinner and eat some almond ice cream please. I think I already have a double chin coming back. With the twins, I didn’t really have a squishy phase, I just went from not pregnant to a bump. Now, I’m full into a squishy phase, and I gotta say, it’s not really cute. I’m ready for a bump!

Pregnant with twins is also something else. And the Viking has been gone for the last 8 days with work. So it’s just me, working full time and mommying full time. Patience is getting thin and I’ve had some less than honorable moments as a mother. Thankfully, my sweet boy when saying his prayers, listed everyone he loves and I made the list 💙 

Annnnnnnddddddd….these guys are turning two!!! Next week but we are having a birthday party at a farm with ponies and all! I can’t believe they’re two! It’s flown by. Kiera is fiery, somewhat bossy aka she has leadership skills and loves her family beyond measure especially her brother.  She counts to 5 and doesn’t stop talking. Ever. She also does not stop moving. Ever. She loves having ponies in her tiny hairs. Two ponies to be exact. She’s still a pixie but but don’t let that fool you. Gunnar is all boy but still loves pink here and there. He’s in a phase of only likely to wear pajamas, he can take things a part and put them back together and has the patience of a saint. Moana makes him violent and loves cuddles at night. He still wants me to press my face against his going to sleep. And he still had 6lbs on his sister who he loves dearly just not consistently. 

Life is fast and furious at the moment. But I guess that’s just how it’s supposed to be. 

Think I’m going to use this to send the announcement out next week

 

11w5d….maybe it’s a burrito baby?!

141

That was the heartbeat today of this little bean. 141bpm. Measuring exactly to date: 7w1d. CRAZY?!?!!?! I cried. I wasn’t expecting the ultrasound tech to tell me anything but she did and I really appreciated it. 

This pregnancy has just been so different. No vomiting. Like at all. A whole lot of nausea but zero puking. I guess that can still happen but surprising it hasn’t happened yet. And I’ve had more energy. Maybe thats also because there’s no breaks allowed. The toddler dictators don’t allow for breaks. And it already feels like I’ve been pregnant forever. I don’t know why. 

So here we are. Another 7 weeks to go and we are over the first hurdle 💜

Worry wart

Maybe that’s just going to be a theme for me. I can’t stop fretting. 

So the good news: beta doubled. And then some 😊

• January 31: 380
• February 2: 945

The Nurses at the RE’s office don’t want to do anymore beta’s so that’s it. No more betas. They are working on scheduling me an early ultrasound in about 2-3 weeks. Which thinking about that now it isn’t early if it’s in 3 weeks because that puts me at 8 weeks. And they’re sending my file to the Midwife and she’ll be taking over my file at 8 weeks. That also feels so odd that I had to go and seek out a Midwife (different from last time us, we had a GP/OB combo) and secure a spot already. It felt so odd to be having that conversation already. 

And I still don’t feel any different. Sometimes my tummy feels fuller but that about is it. Maybe after the ultrasound I’ll feel better and can relax a bit 😏

Nerves of a mouse

Why can’t this just be easy?! Honestly. I know I’m preaching to the choir here but the anxiety right now is really a bit much for me. 

So I’ve know for a few days, two lines came up on the sticks 😊 pretty darn exciting but I wanted the betas to happen as a confirmation. I went for my beta yesterday and it’s 380. So that was 12dp5dt and it just feels low to me. I still don’t have any pregnancy symptoms. I’m not really tired, no boob ache, no constipation, just nothing?!! And it’s freaking me out! I’m just not feeling good about tomorrow’s beta. There, I said it. I’m trying deep breaths but it’s not helping much. Ugh. 

Come on double timing beta!!! 🙏🏻

An alternative

Yesterday was a bad day. I hysterically cried in the car on my way to pick up the Bugs to take them to their check up. I cried so hard I couldn’t even speak. I cried because I’m so frustrated but even more so, I didn’t realize how much of a miracle the twins are. I honestly just started putting hope and belief that I would be able to conceive again. That my body had finally figured it out. But all this cramping and real lack of any other symptom has taken me down a notch or two. Not to say I was being cocky, I was just looking to the positive, looking forward. The heartache that I haven’t felt in a very long time, came back. I’m so sad that my body just can’t do this one thing. This one thing that seems to simple for most people. 

Of course I am so eternally grateful for the Bugs. No doubt about that. But last night I brought up something to the Viking that was haven’t talked about in awhile. If this FET doesn’t work, even thought we still have 3 in the freezer, I just don’t think I can take the heartache anymore. Our other option is to think about and explore again, adoption. This isn’t something we will venture into lightly, I don’t think anyone does. But I think it’s something we need to talk about again. And again and again and again. Until we come to a decision. 

I think whatever comes our way, even with the impending heartache (or potential celebration which is hard to wrap my head around right now), I’m not entirely sold that our family is done growing. 

And here’s a few pics for the time being 😊 22 months!