11w5d 

That is bananas. I’m almost there! I was talking to a fellow IVF momma and friend and recounted all the timelines you go through with IVF; knowing your exact date of conception and thus the first trimester feels like a 1000 years long, getting to 12w and then 14w because that’s what some folks go by too, then 18w for the scan, 24w is viability, and I always had 30w in my head as a milestone with the twins….so ya…memories 😉

This pregnancy is completely different though. Not even a fraction of the vomiting but the NAUSEA! Seriously! I will take vomiting over nausea any day. And my diet. With the twins, I could stand sugar, it would make me sick. Now, I’d prefer to skip dinner and eat some almond ice cream please. I think I already have a double chin coming back. With the twins, I didn’t really have a squishy phase, I just went from not pregnant to a bump. Now, I’m full into a squishy phase, and I gotta say, it’s not really cute. I’m ready for a bump!

Pregnant with twins is also something else. And the Viking has been gone for the last 8 days with work. So it’s just me, working full time and mommying full time. Patience is getting thin and I’ve had some less than honorable moments as a mother. Thankfully, my sweet boy when saying his prayers, listed everyone he loves and I made the list 💙 

Annnnnnnddddddd….these guys are turning two!!! Next week but we are having a birthday party at a farm with ponies and all! I can’t believe they’re two! It’s flown by. Kiera is fiery, somewhat bossy aka she has leadership skills and loves her family beyond measure especially her brother.  She counts to 5 and doesn’t stop talking. Ever. She also does not stop moving. Ever. She loves having ponies in her tiny hairs. Two ponies to be exact. She’s still a pixie but but don’t let that fool you. Gunnar is all boy but still loves pink here and there. He’s in a phase of only likely to wear pajamas, he can take things a part and put them back together and has the patience of a saint. Moana makes him violent and loves cuddles at night. He still wants me to press my face against his going to sleep. And he still had 6lbs on his sister who he loves dearly just not consistently. 

Life is fast and furious at the moment. But I guess that’s just how it’s supposed to be. 


Think I’m going to use this to send the announcement out next week

 

11w5d….maybe it’s a burrito baby?!

141

That was the heartbeat today of this little bean. 141bpm. Measuring exactly to date: 7w1d. CRAZY?!?!!?! I cried. I wasn’t expecting the ultrasound tech to tell me anything but she did and I really appreciated it. 

This pregnancy has just been so different. No vomiting. Like at all. A whole lot of nausea but zero puking. I guess that can still happen but surprising it hasn’t happened yet. And I’ve had more energy. Maybe thats also because there’s no breaks allowed. The toddler dictators don’t allow for breaks. And it already feels like I’ve been pregnant forever. I don’t know why. 

So here we are. Another 7 weeks to go and we are over the first hurdle 💜

Worry wart

Maybe that’s just going to be a theme for me. I can’t stop fretting. 

So the good news: beta doubled. And then some 😊

  • January 31: 380
  • February 2: 945

The Nurses at the RE’s office don’t want to do anymore beta’s so that’s it. No more betas. They are working on scheduling me an early ultrasound in about 2-3 weeks. Which thinking about that now it isn’t early if it’s in 3 weeks because that puts me at 8 weeks. And they’re sending my file to the Midwife and she’ll be taking over my file at 8 weeks. That also feels so odd that I had to go and seek out a Midwife (different from last time us, we had a GP/OB combo) and secure a spot already. It felt so odd to be having that conversation already. 

And I still don’t feel any different. Sometimes my tummy feels fuller but that about is it. Maybe after the ultrasound I’ll feel better and can relax a bit 😏

Nerves of a mouse 

Why can’t this just be easy?! Honestly. I know I’m preaching to the choir here but the anxiety right now is really a bit much for me. 

So I’ve know for a few days, two lines came up on the sticks 😊 pretty darn exciting but I wanted the betas to happen as a confirmation. I went for my beta yesterday and it’s 380. So that was 12dp5dt and it just feels low to me. I still don’t have any pregnancy symptoms. I’m not really tired, no boob ache, no constipation, just nothing?!! And it’s freaking me out! I’m just not feeling good about tomorrow’s beta. There, I said it. I’m trying deep breaths but it’s not helping much. Ugh. 

Come on double timing beta!!! 🙏🏻

An alternative

Yesterday was a bad day. I hysterically cried in the car on my way to pick up the Bugs to take them to their check up. I cried so hard I couldn’t even speak. I cried because I’m so frustrated but even more so, I didn’t realize how much of a miracle the twins are. I honestly just started putting hope and belief that I would be able to conceive again. That my body had finally figured it out. But all this cramping and real lack of any other symptom has taken me down a notch or two. Not to say I was being cocky, I was just looking to the positive, looking forward. The heartache that I haven’t felt in a very long time, came back. I’m so sad that my body just can’t do this one thing. This one thing that seems to simple for most people. 

Of course I am so eternally grateful for the Bugs. No doubt about that. But last night I brought up something to the Viking that was haven’t talked about in awhile. If this FET doesn’t work, even thought we still have 3 in the freezer, I just don’t think I can take the heartache anymore. Our other option is to think about and explore again, adoption. This isn’t something we will venture into lightly, I don’t think anyone does. But I think it’s something we need to talk about again. And again and again and again. Until we come to a decision. 

I think whatever comes our way, even with the impending heartache (or potential celebration which is hard to wrap my head around right now), I’m not entirely sold that our family is done growing. 

And here’s a few pics for the time being 😊 22 months!

An alternative

Yesterday was a bad day. I hysterically cried in the car on my way to pick up the Bugs to take them to their check up. I cried so hard I couldn’t even speak. I cried because I’m so frustrated but even more so, I didn’t realize how much of a miracle the twins are. I honestly just started putting hope and belief that I would be able to conceive again. That my body had finally figured it out. But all this cramping and real lack of any other symptom has taken me down a notch or two. Not to say I was being cocky, I was just looking to the positive, looking forward. The heartache that I haven’t felt in a very long time, came back. I’m so sad that my body just can’t do this one thing. This one thing that seems to simple for most people. 

Of course I am so eternally grateful for the Bugs. No doubt about that. But last night I brought up something to the Viking that was haven’t talked about in awhile. If this FET doesn’t work, even thought we still have 3 in the freezer, I just don’t think I can take the heartache anymore. Our other option is to think about and explore again, adoption. This isn’t something we will venture into lightly, I don’t think anyone does. But I think it’s something we need to talk about again. And again and again and again. Until we come to a decision. 

I think whatever comes our way, even with the impending heartache (or potential celebration which is hard to wrap my head around right now), I’m not entirely sold that our family is done growing. 

And here’s a few pics for the time being 😊 22 months!

Back to the old nerves

Transfer went well. I got an amazing sleep that night in the hotel after acupuncture. 

Now, I’m no longer positive and calm. I feel sad and anxious and am already starting to count myself out. And it’s only day 2. Old wounds don’t fade so easily apparently. I have a feeling I’ll be testing sooner the last time. 
 It’s gunna be a long week.